


running if you call my name

by denthemannequin



Category: DC's Legends of Tomorrow (TV)
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, F/F, Legends of Tomorrow Post-Season 5, i'm honestly stuck
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-11-30
Updated: 2020-11-30
Packaged: 2021-03-09 17:55:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,049
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27800359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/denthemannequin/pseuds/denthemannequin
Summary: ava blames herself for sara's disappearance
Relationships: Sara Lance/Ava Sharpe
Kudos: 40





	running if you call my name

**Author's Note:**

> boring ass summary im sorry lmao i wrote this shortly after the s5 Legends finale premiered earlier this year but didn't really know how to continue this and i honestly still don't??? so i thought of just uploading whatever i have so that anyone out there who's still crying over avalance can cry together with me

The silence was deafening, as it has been for awhile now. Closing the doors to her quarters, Ava took off her boots and chucked them carelessly aside. Another day, yet another failure. Yet another day simply reminding her how she has failed the woman she’d sworn to love and protect.

_“I’m here for you, Sara.”_

Was she, really?

Tears prickled and threatened to fall. Ava blinked and her lower lip quavered. She drew a shaky breath and unceremoniously flung herself onto Sara’s and her bed. With her face buried in her pillow to muffle her despair, Ava groped blindly for Sara’s pillow which stopped smelling like her for awhile now. Still, upon feeling the familiar smooth edges of the silk pillowcase, Ava grabbed at it desperately with a shaky hand and clutched it tightly to her side. Like how she used to when Sara was around. Did she take those days for granted?

 _Sara._ Stubborn, fearless, independent Sara. Even when she lost her eyesight temporarily, Ava was ironically, the one relying on her girlfriend for support and strength. Sara was her anchor. Where she went, Ava followed. Now that Sara’s gone, Ava’s lost.

Why couldn’t she have been more careful? Why wasn’t she holding Sara’s hand when it happened? How could she not have noticed? She’d just gotten her girlfriend back for fuck’s sake. Ava watched her die, get torn to shreds by zombies. And she was helpless then. Ava died the moment Sara did. She couldn’t feel a thing when those zombies eventually got to her because her heart had already stopped moments prior.

And then Charlie saved them by trapping them on TV. If Ava could turn back the time, she would be more persistent about staying in Star Trip. Because in there, they always won. Sara and her would always be together. A crew that was undefeatable. As long as she had Sara by her side, nothing else really mattered. Then, she would have given everything up in a heartbeat just to be with Sara for eternity. Instead, Sara talked her out of it. She let Sara talk her out of it.

_Life is beautiful, and terrible all at the same time. But if we’re only living a part of it, then we’re not living at all._

And as always, she listened. And now Sara’s gone again. If only she had rationalised further with Sara about staying. If only she had paid that much needed additional attention to her girlfriend just after she’d gotten her back.

It was all her fault.

Ava now had the pillow in a death grip, knuckles turning white. Her shoulders shook with much force as her lungs became more constricted. She was drowning, rightfully. Did she even deserve to breathe when Sara might not even be breathing at all, wherever or whenever she was?

The absurdity of the situation crushed her the most. Night after night, Ava played that moment in her head. That moment when her hand grasped for Sara’s and reached nothing instead. In her stupor, she clumsily turned around and slurred out Sara’s name, only to realise that she was no longer around.

She got herself fucking drunk and high, and now Sara’s gone.

***

_“Babeeee…”_

_Ugh, was it time to wake up already? Ava refused to open her eyes just yet and ignored her girlfriend’s breathy whine. She heard Sara sigh playfully. Ava then registered a hand roaming across her bare chest and lips brushing over the back of her left shoulder. She started squirming and Sara hummed._

_“Awake now, aren’t you?”_

_"Sara,” Ava gasped when she felt a thumb graze over her now hardened nipple._

_“Come on, babe, nobody would be awake to interrupt. How often do we shower together in the morning anyway?”_

_“We could skip shower and just stay here,” Ava mumbled, applying pressure over Sara’s hand - which cupped Ava’s breast. Sara got the hint and resumed her fondling._

_“Skip shower? After those 5 rounds last night?”_

_Oh. Memories of the night before came flooding back. Ava and Sara had tried using blindfolds in the bedroom for the first time (just Ava, really, because Sara couldn’t see shit with her recent incapacitation anyway)._

_Remembering how her senses were deliciously heightened, Ava started throbbing as heat gathered in her lower belly._

_“Fine, let’s go now. But we’re not just showering.”_

***

“Babe? I said we could go now,” Ava sat up while rubbing her eyes, feeling a little puzzled as to why her girlfriend hadn’t responded.

Where’d Sara go, too, anyway? She was just –

_Oh._

Right, a dream. Ava swallowed thickly and ran her fingers through her matted locks. Ever since Sara was abducted, she’d been having these dreams – past memories, really – of their time together. Ava didn’t know whether or not she wanted to have them anymore. For one, they were really real, as if Sara never left. But her longing for her girlfriend just multiplied tenfold whenever she awoke and remembered, again, that those dreams couldn’t possibly be real with Sara gone and no longer by her side. As the days went by, they occurred even more frequently, serving as a cruel reminder of her failures and mocking Ava of what Sara and her once had. Out of reach and out of touch, but never out of mind. It definitely didn't get easier as time passed. On the contrary, with the absence of news regarding her girlfriend's whereabouts with each passing day, Ava admittedly begin to lose hope of ever seeing Sara again. As if the original guilt from losing Sara wasn't enough, Ava was now grappling with the shame from her despondency and these _intimate_ dreams from a better time. 

The tears didn't seem to stop falling, and Ava was _exhausted._ Still, she willed herself to get up and get dressed, and get her shit together to lead the search for Sara again. After all, she's the Captain in Sara's absence, and she had to be strong for the team.

Tired of rubbing her eyes raw, Ava stood up and hardened her heart and schooled her features. With one last sigh, she left her quarters to begin the day's work of search that would most probably end up fruitless anyway.

_Day 271._

For Sara. Always, for Sara. Even if it meant losing her sanity.


End file.
